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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."



Old men can still think fast

Subject: Divorce Case



A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes," she replies. "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

Services will be at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

 :biggrinthumb:

Liquor store owner had been in the liquor business for 25 years.  Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.  "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.  About 5:00."

"Great", says Rob, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you."  As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Rob. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."  Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,  Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too ." "Now that's really not a problem" says Rob, warming to the idea... "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"asks Rob. "Don't much matter Lars said, "Just gonna be the two of us."

Here's one for you.

A man is on a flight when nature calls, so he heads down the aisle to the restrooms. As he approaches the door he sees that it is occupied. He flags down the flight attendant and says to her,
"Miss, I really need to go bad and the men's room is occupied. Is it OK for me to use the ladies restroom?"
The flight attendant replies, "Yes, Sir. But PLEASE!! Don't press any buttons while you are in there!"
The man is confused but replies accordingly. As he sits down he sees a panel to his left with 4 buttons on it, WW, WA, PP, and TR. Curiosity got the better of him so he pressed the first button. Warm water came out of a tube and squirted his bottom.
Shocked, but still curious he pressed the next one. Warm air came out and dried his bottom.
"Okay, that wasn't so bad. I wonder why the lady told me not to press any buttons?"
Next he pressed PP and a powder puff came up and powdered his bottom.
"Man, these women are spoiled!" he said to himself.
Next up was the final button, TR. He paused for a moment, wondering what could be so bad about pushing any buttons since they were only personal hygene effects. So, he pushed the button.......
Six hours later he woke in a hospital bed in severe pain, esp. from the lower region. A nurse walked in to check on him and he asked her,
"What happened? Why am I here?"
The nurse replied, "Remember when you were told not to press any buttons while using the ladies restroom?"
He vaguely remembered being in the restroom, but his memory was slowly coming back to him. "Yes, I think so. Why?"
The nurse replied, "Well, you pushed TR--Tampon removal. You'll find "IT" under your pillow."

_________________
pinkrose

My wife left me... And I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut
back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she
came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included
$45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "heck, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.  :drunk:

_________________

You guys are killing me, please don't stop!  LMAO  LMAO

A preacher, his wife, and their son sat down one evening at the dinner table for some "Family" time. The preacher asked his wife, "So, how was your day Dear?"
The wife replied, "Fine, Honey, how was yours?"
"Good, saved a few souls today, helped the troubled youth, ect."
The son sat there listening and eating with his head down. The preacher's wife asked her hubsand, "Well, where did you get this tasy fish from? Was it the new market down the street?"
The Preacher replied, "No, dear. It's called "Damn fish"--caught from the local damn."
The son suddenly raised his head and replied, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the Damn fish, and while you're at it--pass the fu**ing potatoes!"

_________________
pinkrose

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he let himself down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"

_________________

I don't know of any clean jokes, most that I know are dirty.







Wait I send them to the laundry first before posting.

_________________
I can neither confirm nor deny ever having or knowing anything about nothing.... mrscott

Charmin, can I come home now?....Milo has a very mean streak and a distorted sense of humor toward poor old men....I promise to never lust after her again....Can I come home and will you make me cookies if I behave?

An old man was trudging down a trail and this wee voice said hey you. He looked down and this frog said pick me up... So he was standing there with a frog in his palm.  The frog said kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and do anything you want... Whereupon the old man stuffed the frog in his shirt pocket.. Took a couple of steps and the frog screamed what the hell is wrong with you?  He calmy said to the frog at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.....

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Join The Karaokle Singers Social Network. Upload Your Music!!

         :shock:        LMAO

_________________
pinkrose

Although I do respect the OP,  so I'll force myself to read this blasphemous content !

_________________
Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

warped is more like it........

Milo!...Tell me please you didn't take those pics!...Those poor babys!

I guess this wouldn't be an appropriate thread to tell my Porky and Pettle joke.

_________________
Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Steven! Did you see what Milo did to those poor ducklings?...I wanna go home to moma. Milo is mean! She is mean to poor old men and helpless little ducklings!...Charmin, can I sleep on your lap tonight if i promise not to lick my butt and scratch too much?

I use to know a few good jokes, but somewhere along the line, I lost my wit.  :(

Y'all are doin' fine though....carry on...carry on.  :biggrinthumb: