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is this really possible? Apparently, my wife doesn't think it's possible. But I just don't get it...everything doesn't have to involve sex, but sex is nice.
For a mature adult, friendship can be a worthwhile experience, no matter the gender of the friend in question.
But my question is I guess, if you have a woman that you call a friend, what was it that attracted you to this woman in the first place? Her personality? Her beauty? Her overall presence? The fact that she has many things in common with you?
I have met someone like this, but she's unavailable for a love partner, which is just fine with me. I just enjoy talking with her and being around her. Her boyfriend is even friendly to me, and doesn't have a problem as far as I'm aware of.
But is this a situation that most of you would stay far away from?

I just think sometimes a woman needs a friend that she can talk to without it involving sex, as well a man might need a friend to talk to who can relate to certain aspects of the man/woman relationship. Does this make any sense?
But yes, I'm aware that a man thinks about sex every minute of the day, and I bet alot of women do too, but I think it's possible to restrain yourself if you really need to and not be so stereo-typical when it comes to matters like this.
Or am I fooling myself? Am I imposing on someone that's just being nice because that's the way they carry themselves with others usually?
Or should I believe that yes, I can maturely relate to the opposite sex in a caring manner without imagining what she looks like naked, or how good she is in the sack?
Should my wife believe that this is possible for me? I'm confused.

I have never been a hit with the ladies. I even think I got lucky when I met my wife. I think she only stayed with me for security at first because she was pregnant. That was almost 24 years ago.

All I know is, I'm starting to feel more and more restricted everyday....being told with whom I can associate with, and when, who is acceptable and who isn't, why doesn't it involve me, blah, blah, blah.........
I'm a person with my own ideals and needs, and if I can't be treated the way I believe is mature, caring, and trusted by my mate of all these years, I'd rather be alone. Too much stress dealing with these insignifcant immature trivialities.

So what's the verdict? Woman for a friend, or absolutely not?

You need a divorce....Admitt it.

Then you need to survive the stupidity that follows same. So get the divorce and go act stupid til you are tired of acting stupid.

Then find that friend you have been missing for so long....But not before you can bare to live alone and be happy with just you and don't need the stupid stuff any longer.

Just make sure whoever you settle down with has also managed to do same.

Please don't skip the acting stupid part because it's essential or you will forever think that being single might be better.

Be with the one who treats you best, and the same goes for her....Make it a rule for both of you.....Be it for one night, one day, or a lifetime-Be with the one that treats you best.

Right now, I'm single and acting stupid because it's still fun for me to act stupid...Maybe once I get tired of the stupid stuff I'll want to be married again...Check with me later on that.

....Or find a way to reinvent yourself so you ain't no longer unhappy with your wife and she is no longer unhappy with you.

Forget counselors...........Talk with folks who have been married a zillion years...and folks who have been divorced a few years...Then have a long talk with yourself.

You should be able to have friends.  It doesn't matter what gender they are.  However, the majority of couples that I know do not do this because of the things you mentioned.  

My husband and I have a lot of friends, I go out with my friends(of which some are men) and he goes out with his friends (some of which are women).  And we all also go out together.  (FYI, this is NOT an open marriage, we are with each other only).  

The key for us is that we both had many of these friends before we got together and we were not about to tell each other they couldn't keep their friends.  We also have a huge amount of trust in each other.  If we didn't have this trust it would never work.

Perhaps you may want to get to the root of the issue as to why she doesn't like you having friends that are women...IMHO  I believe that issue is trust.  Perhaps if your wife was friends with her too, maybe that would help, or if you only see your friend when all 4 of you are present...

And by watching firends and myself for many years, I have never seen a marriage last FOREVER when there was no trust....You deserve to be happy...And you should do what it takes to be that way....

Perhaps you would not need to befriend this person if you were getting what you need at home...what you need can be in many different forms other than swapping bodily fluids, it could be respect, a listening ear, humor, just the ability to carry on a conversation with someone...you know the list  could go on for ages....

The point here is:  Take care of YOU and do for YOU what you need to in order for YOU to be happy...

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

The word "Friend" implies a certain level of CLOSENESS and the related EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT. So given that I would say NO its not possible to have opposite sex "FREINDS". What they can be is, at best, AQUAINTENCES. Like someone you run into occaisionally at work. Where the relationship is very surfacy and shallow at most. But once theres any kind of one-on-one INTIMACY(emotional or physical) then forget it. So to my mind its INHERENTLY IMPOSSIBLE to have opposite sex "FRIENDS". The only exception being if one or the other is unchangably gay. Then there  can be no chance of ATTRACTION.

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"You know that I sing the Blues and I do not suffer fools. When I'm on that silver mic, it's gonna cut ya, just like a knife"-The SWINGCAT

This is one of those things where nobody is right and nobody is wrong! !

I PERSONALLY feel that it's acceptable for people to have friends. Gender is NOT an issue as long as the folks realize that they're not wearing flea collars.

I've had female friends for many, MANY years, and sex was never an issue. One gal it did become so. And it ruined our friendship. We're STILL friends, but the level of the friendship has been irrevocably hurt. Another friend of mine I realize I had feelings that extended far beyond normal friendship, so I had to back off until I could come to grips with reality. Is the danger there of a friendship going more than what it is? Sure! That's the nature of human relationships. They change sometimes. But how you ACT on that change is another thing.

One thing that's very real is how far you allow yourself to go into a teasing friendship. I personally am comfortable with teasing of the opposite sex ONLY with their husbands or boyfriends are totally aware, and once everyone knows we're only having a good time... that nothing untoward is intended or going to happen. Sometimes that kind of message gets confused.

Cornell, nobody here is qualified to tell you with any level of certainty that your wife is right or wrong in her assertions. We can tell you how WE would deal with that. Right now, I'm only hearing YOUR side of the story, or as how you see it. I'm certain your wife might have her own tale to tell that might shed the light on something else entirely... that's ALSO human nature. There are always three sides of the story. Yours. Hers. And somewhere in there... the truth. Truth is always perception, and how each person reacts to their own perception.

Obviously, your wife is uncomfortable with any closeness you might have with females.  And many women are that way. What some people have come to realize is that friends CAN help a marraige or regular relationship, in that there are things you can't tell a spouse or loved one... you need a friendly bit of advice here and there. But those folks that do have problems with this think along the lines of "you don't need a female friend... that's ME! You should be trusting me and telling me everything!"

I will say that like Keith mentioned, I think your relationship is at HUGE risk of the reality of a divorce! Your own words in the last part of your posting shows the level of frustration... anybody that would rather be alone after a 24 year bit of marraige... that's "Danger Will Robinson!! DANGER DANGER!!" time.

You and the wife need to sit down, with NO obstacles or anybody interrupting... and have a long talk about who you are, who she is, and where the relationship is going.

One thing I didn't hear that sparked severe concern... NOWHERE did I see you say "I LOVE my wife! I'm wondering where she's coming up with this?!" Now to you, this may be situation that you feel this way and we should all just assume this to be true.

Maybe it would be better if I didn't pursue this emotional attachment to this female acquaintence....it can only end up in chaos I'm thinking. As I mentioned, she is taken, and my involvement could end up damaging what she already has. And I'm pretty sure the dude has already questioned my intentions, but is putting on an act to not upset his woman.
This comes down to the part where with women, they think it's okay to have guy friends, and if their hubbies aren't okay with it, they're not trusting enough.
As a guy, if I spent most of my time talking to women at a bar, or receiving an occasional hug from a woman acquaintence who genuinely "likes" me for "me", then I'm perceived as a player in a woman's eyes.
I can see the unfortunate reality here, but that doesn't help me much. Maybe it does mean more to me?
Thanks.............Perry

Unqualified YES...it's very possible...and it can be a GREAT help to insight and advice in your love relationships...dating, committed single, or married.



All of the above.  Even a platonic relationship has some level of attraction, otherwise there would be no connection.



Is her availability as a partner even relevant in discussing a platonic relationship with her?  Would it be different for you if she was single?  Or if you were?



You're the only one that knows if this is possible.

Your last paragraph tells me that something ain't right.  Why do you feel so stifled and controlled...and what's leading your wife to feel the need to do these things?

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[glow=white][scroll]Live, laugh, and love today--just in case tomorrow doesn't make it[/scroll][/glow]

Of course men and women can be friends.  To say otherwise is ridiculous.  The problem when you're in a relationship where one or the other says no to friends of the opposite sex (by the way what do same sex couples do ), it is either that person is controlling or insecure (read jealous).  Whether you stay with that person or leave them is entirely up to you.

_________________
You can be strange but not a stranger

Giving my rambles, even if no one cares:)



Growing up, I never really had female friends.... I was a tomboy, with a body. NOt a good combo:) ALl of my CLOSEST friends were guys. When I was young, I never had little sleepovers, etc, with girlfriends. I was always allowed to have my male friends spend the night, because my parents realized that we were just that. Friends.


BUT, My husband NOW, was once ONE of those "friends", and my daughter conceived, one night he spent the night:)

(btw, I was  never allowed to have "Boyfriends" spend the night... But heck, I  never had many that were serious, my guy friends were fairly protective, and selective for me:)

I know, for a fact, that every single one of my best buddies, pictured me naked.... (heck, most of them HAVE seen me naked... we camped together every weekend, for most of our lives:) I was the only girl, in a group of about 20 guys. We did everything together, and when we got older, we also drank and partied together. Me, being the only "girl" their parents trusted to be out with them. HOwever, EVERY single one of them attempted to grope me at some point in our friendship, or at least talked about it.

WHen you are a human, you see the opposite sex (if you find them attractive or not) as a potential sexual partner, whether you admit it or not.

I think it is purely human nature to "picture them naked", etc. Heck, I do it, male OR female.


EVen nowadays, my best friends are mostly  male. I don't get along so well with women, because I am a bit odd, a little crude, loud, immature, the list goes on and on. HOwever, I make friends with men really easily.  (One of the guys, with breasts).

I have been told, that I might not be SO befriendable (to men), if I was incredibly ugly. Because, let's face it, WE are superficial:) Asking one of my best buds, after I read this, he openly said, that he thought I was attractive, and yeah, under different circumstances in life, I would be VERY "doable" (remember this is a 24 year old college student:)  And, yes, I have pictured him, the same way.

SO, yes, I think you can be friends with the opposite sex.... BUT, if the opposite sex is the sex you HAVE sex with (thats a tongue twister:), then, it is an unavoidable thing to think of them AT least once, in the "wrong way".

HOWEVER, if it bothers your significant other, then it may not be a terrific friendship to maintain.... depending on what you WANT to work on with that significant other.

Luckily, My husband has always been very aware of who I am, and who my friends are. He was one of them, for a VERY long time. He IS my best friend, always has been, But, also my lover. ANd, if THAT was so easy to happen, then, of course he has wondered how I feel about my OTHER male friends;)

My next door neighbors, are a very odd couple. She expects to be allowed to have male friends, and expects him not to mind, but if he so much as takes me to the store (if my hubby has the car) then she has a fit, and later inspects the cars interior for sex clues.  

I can't imagine maintaining a relationship with so much distrust.



Ok, done rambling. blah blah blah.

Is her availability as a partner even relevant in discussing a platonic relationship with her?  Would it be different for you if she was single?  Or if you were?

I'm not sure about this one. All I know is whenever I see her she's always like....eyes lit up....you look nice tonight!! Or...hey handsome!!  :oops:
I'm not sure if she's playin' games with her boyfriend or what?
But if I was single, there'd be no doubt, it wouldn't be platonic for very long!!

Maybe I'm to blame for what I'm feeling. I must've gotten some mixed signals at first thinking that this gal was interested in me, but then later I told her and her boyfriend that I was married with kids, but continued to be sociable with them both. She even confided in me about a couple things regarding her relationship with this dude that might've indicated that she would soon be available, but has never really stated that she was interested in me sexually or otherwise. It's just something you can sense about a person sometimes.
But now I feel awfully stupid for bringing this up. I really should let go of this situation, but I really like this person. I'm the one that said I wanted to be her friend and it's just carried on that way. And I only see her a couple times a month for a very short time. Yep, you guessed it, at karaoke night. I've been thinking about stopping the karaoke thing just to rid myself of this affliction. It must be more than wanting to be friends, or I would've never brought it up here.
Some things are just not meant to be...this could be one of them.

As far as what I'm getting or not getting at home, I have no good reason for wanting to stray if that's my problem. My wife is giving me what I need as a man. Except that my wife is very dependent on me for just about everything and it's become tiring.
I must have an attraction for independent women. Someone who has the freedom in their own life to tell me to hit the door if necessary. Somehow, that's a huge turn-on to me.

c'mon what are you really trying to say about guys here?!

my wife has a TON of guy friends and i have quite a few girl friends.  there's nothing wrong with have a friend of the opposite sex, even if you are attracted to them physically.  that is, unless the ONLY reason you are friends is due to theat attraction, or if you act on that attraction.   thankfully, i trust my wife and she trusts me enough that we are not threatened by any opposite sex relationships.  being a KJ i am around alot of women.  being a photographer she is around alot of men.  i have girl friends that i am attracted to and she has guy friends that she is attracted to (even if she'd never admit it!).  it's a natural instinct just as looking at a pretty person whom you don't know is natural.  i'm not going to say anything about others relationships because that's not my place, but for me and my wife, we have no problems in this area.

_________________
All work and no play make Homer something something

A friend can be anyone you like,trust, know, someone who supports you or is an ally..

There's no law or rule that say's someone you are painfully physically attracted to can't be "a friend" (ulterior motive on your part aside)... A friend to you is just that.... a friend to YOU and according to you... There's no correct or incorrect definition since it's subjective.


I doubt many are honest with themselves when they think someone they are painfully infatuated with (of the opposite sex) can be thought of as just a "Platonic" person or presence in their lives, or someone who isn't associated with some sexual fantasy, yet very often the physical wears off very quickly, and the "individual" becomes reduced to being human, having needs, and meeting other's needs emotionally....If you consider someone a friend, to you they are your friend....It's that simple.. As to whether they are trustworthy, I suppose that's your call too...

Friends can also ^(&% according to many... Ideally a spouse would be a close friend first...not an attractive stuffed doll... Physical relationship does not preclude that person being a friend... Whether you honestly want to be around a person who has no interest in you as anything other than a friend however, when your own hopes is that they will soon be a bed partner, who knows..... Happens all the time,  in life people constantly delude themselves and deceive others...

_________________
Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

CrankItUpProd----- Lol, what am I REALLY trying to say? Not that men are all like that.... I am more like a 14 year old boy, in my behaviour:)




And, hey, I am physically attracted to a few of my FEMALE friends too, but then, my husband LIKES hearing about that:) Probably ENCOURAGE that friendship;)



Steven, completely agree with ya.... But then, I consider a lot of people a friend, and they don't consider ME a friend:)  Happens all the time, I am delusional:)


byuh bye

Wow, opinionated litte ME should probably run from this thread.

I have VERY mixed thoughts on this subject.

First of all, Perry, I think my husband MUST be the male counterpart to your wife. He is THE most jealous man in the world.  That is why..... I'm only on here during the day. Now, granted, you're gonna think "Oh yeah, cause you're a big flirt"....... but no. That's maybe....... my revenge. (does that sound bad?) I'm tired of living in  a bubble, and sometimes I feel like "Haha, you _ _ _ , I can do this stuff that would tick you off & you'll never even know".

Oh my gosh, I have issues, don't I?

When I first came here in May '04, I was a pretty shy person around here. I didn't know anybody, I didn't put a pic up for the LONGEST, I was nervous about every song I did........ and I strictly came on SS, posted a song, replied to comments, and commented on others' songs as politely as possible. My husband fumed. Because MEN........ that HE did not know........ were listening to me and giving me comments.  I mean, go figure THAT one. Then over time the accusations started........ I had boyefriends on the net........ the men's comments meant more to me than his opinion did........Blah, blah, blah.  
But it's the same way in real life. If I get a new job, and there's a nice looking guy close to my age, he literally nags me about it, name calling involved- until I quit cause I can't stand it any more. I've honestly never worked for one job over a year. Face it- there's not too many work places with NO men around. Then when I quit- he's all innocent- it was MY fault I left the company.
So, my views on wether or not men & women can be "just friends", has never mattered in my marriage. Cause he would never go for that, uh uh.

Growing up, I was a bit like what Gilly described. I mean, I had a few girlfriends, but I was a terrible tomboy. I would rather tag after my brothers & their friends and go fishing than go to the mall or look at fashion magazines.  I was literally their shadow; if my brothers went- I went too. So, all their friends also became MY friends and protectors.  Sometimes, potential "boyfriends" were scared off. My brothers- and their friends- were pretty redneck. So, to mess with me- the little sister- was to risk a serious A$$ kicking.  So, I did grow up with lots of "guy friends". And that followed me....... to this day, I make friends easier with men than women.

But HAVING a guy friend came to a halt shortly after I got married. My husband has trouble having men as friends and hanging out with them...... cause it doesn't take long until he starts thinking "They want me" for crise sake.  I DO "connect" with most of his friends, eventually, because that's how I am. And they end up treating me like "one of the guys".  But in his eyes, it's all sexual. I admit, you can read men fairly easy (sorry guys, but it IS true)....... and I know if I was "on the make" I could easily sleep with some of them I'm sure. I mean, they ARE guys, let's get real. But  there's no reason at all that people of opposite sex can't be friends and keep it there. That's bull. Sure, there may be some kind of attraction...... but that's human nature. I can pass 10 men in the stores on a given day that I'll walk by and think "DaYum....." but that don't mean I'll sleep with all of them.  And if a gal walks by and he does a double take- good for him- it means he's perfectly male.  I just wish he could see things through the same eyes I do.  It's normal & healthy to have friends of both sexes I think.  But god help his friends if they ever tease me or their eyes happen to look at my backside as I leave the room...... cause then he doesn't want to associate with 'em anymore.

I know alot of people would say "Leave him"...... many have. And many, many times I have. But I always go back home. Don't ask me why, but don't judge me either unless you've been there. And, no, he does NOT flirt, he does NOT have women friends, he doesn't go to bars without me- he never ever has. I've tried to get him to, so he can hang with "the guys". But to him- if he did it, then it would be fair for ME to do it. And he couldn't handle that.

Honestly....... don't judge me too harshly for this......... if he EVEN read some of what I've written lately in threads, even though you all are MILES from here..... I don't really know what he would do. He'd be pi-osed for sure. But he knows nothing about this place and that I still come here.  He would literally go through the roof to know I'm typing in a thread where MEN are typing, much less flirting.  :oops:  Even though it's all just in fun- he wouldn't get that at all.

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♥ Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain. Cherish the memories, ignore the pain. Love and learn, forget and forgive. Because you only have one life to live. ♥

All I can say Charm...........is be careful.

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"You know that I sing the Blues and I do not suffer fools. When I'm on that silver mic, it's gonna cut ya, just like a knife"-The SWINGCAT

Out've fairness to him, and your relationship with him, send photo's of your backside to us in here... It'll spare you folks headaches.....Hey,  It's your comfort I have in mind solely !

_________________
Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

i'll ummmmm, "back" that up.  i mean we really need to get to the "bottom" of this.  i guess what i'm trying to say is i don't want it to "rear" up in the future.  after all, we don't want you to get "behind" in your posting!
that's it.  i'm done..

_________________
All work and no play make Homer something something

Wow! Charmin, is there a huge sign in your yard that says, "Don't squeeze the Charmin"?

Guys are their own worse enemies sometimes....I laff at jealous men...They are sooooo insecure!

I don't consider jealousy an emotion...I call it a sin...Anything so destructive as jealousy has got to be a sin.

Yeah, just where are those booty pics?

First of all, Perry, I think my husband MUST be the male counterpart to your wife. He is THE most jealous man in the world.

I use to be that way a little bit.....when I was an immature punk!! People our ages shouldn't have to deal with that crap anymore. I am not trying to stifle my wife from doing anything she wants to do....she just doesn't do anything. She doesn't drive...imagine that!! Therefore, she can't find a better job. She can't contribute to relieving some of the stress in our financial crisis at the moment, though we're not poor, I make a decent living. I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel...well maybe when I croak from being overworked, overstressed, and overused.
And who the hell is there for my kids to take them to the dentist, the doctor, to school activities, to a friend's house, etc...etc...etc...? Not me!! I'm an OTR truck driver. What a confused life these girls of mine have had...and yet, it continues. This has been a big issue for years now, and she always reacts in a vengeful manner almost threatening that....you don't want me to drive, then you never would see me. I'm thinking....WTF you waiting for? Until I'm dead?
I think she has driven me (no pun intended) into seeking more options for myself.
But I'm too caring of a person to just leave someone who can't really do for themself without me. But it's funny how quickly things might change if I did decide to leave. I bet she would magically start doing something on her own just to avenge me. I think that's what it will take though.

I believe the dependence thing is the reason for all of these controlling behaviors from her, but still, if it wasn't this way, I'm not so sure that I'd never be attracted to someone else anyway, I'm human too.