Karaoke Forums

Subject: Lizard Birthing Story



If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something,
Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?"
I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker

.....Priceless...

_________________
"howwudiduppohdaddoh?"
buckwheat, 1938

HOLY!

That is the funniest story I have ever read in my life!

That must have been an episode and a half !

Great story! Thank you for sharing!

PS....lizard babies are the cutest things...my friend had some and they were so small...just adorable!

I would have adopted one if it was a baby

disclaimer

i did not appear in this story in any way

_________________
"howwudiduppohdaddoh?"
buckwheat, 1938

Uh huh that's what they ALL Say!!!!!

_________________

Going to check if my lizard has a whacker....

Quite a rousing story!!

Ummmm, did you wash your hands thoroughly after that???

You really need to give that boy some privacy... at least until he's out of adolescence. For your own sake's!!!

Great Story TP!! Still Laughing!

OH my. I almost peed my pants:) I read it to Justy, and THEN sent it as an email to a friend of mine, and then later, told my dad about it on the phone when he called:) Thhhhaaat was a CUTE story;)

Miss milo? Hon? Did you find it on your Lizard? And wait... don't reptiles lay eggs? Not have live births? How dumb would you have to be...oops, sorry tim:)

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Yeah I always thought reptiles laid eggs too Gilly- hmmmmmm.

Wendal I just love that you helped service an animal. Isnt there a term for that technically?? OOOOOOOOOO


Please tel me you washed your hands- Erm, salmonella and all .

Ah gawd I havent laughed out loud like that in a while .... THANK YOU.

_________________

you're so silly, bethay--it's a lizard, not a salamander. therefore, no fear of salamdella.

_________________
"howwudiduppohdaddoh?"
buckwheat, 1938

LMHOOO oh very good tim, no wander you changed your pic to a great big smiley pic of yourself, you must be feeling so proud to be releaving erine, OMG!
what a guy!! your to kind tim, you think of everything and everyanimal


Ooops! i almost forgot tim, i think you should hide your magazines out of ernies view

Now you guys quit teasin' Tim! That's not nice!

Oh, and it's salmonella (got him back Allstar!) and lizards can have it so yes, be sure and wash your hands...and stay away from my lizard!!

Gilly, I gave mine some privacy...after all he's an old man now - he can do whatever he wants to with his...well...you know! I already knew he was a male anyway.... (I'm talking about the lizard here, not Tim - we already know he's old... )

I'd originally heard this story about a hamster... don't know which one is true, or if it's mythology on the net...

STILL funny as all hell!