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Ok, my ex got in to a bad car accident on last Friday night and have been in ICU at a local hospital and went through 3 surgeries. It appears that he left arm was torn, part of the lung removed due to damage and a vertebrae was fractured. She will be in ICU for a long time.

We are still good friends and go out for dinner, show etc. all the time. It seems her sister is in charge and she would not let me see her saying that only immediate family members are allowed. Yet, one of her friends were allowed to see her and she is writing a blog about her condition etc.  

The reality hasn't sinked in yet because I haven't seen her but I am a bit miffed about her family deciding who sees her and who doesn't. What bother me even more is that her sister lied about who gets to see her, i.e. telling me that only immediate family members are allowed to see yet some of her friends got to see her.

I feel that as a friend and someone who dated her should be allowed but that's my opinion. So far, I have been in a strange mood since I can't see her and so far removed from where she is.  I don't know what to think anymore.

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Seize the day and SING!!!

Sorry to hear about your ex's accident and your predicament.  Doesn't her sister know that you were still friends and on good terms?  Is the sister holding a grudge about your breakup that you may not know about?  Try and have a good, long talk with the sister is my best guess -- I mean if she's the only person with the power to say yes or no for visiting privileges.  Take care Ben!

Gosh Ben that is the pits.. I guess just try to be persistant. Her  sister will stop going up to the hospital, as often,  given time and you will then have the opportunity to see her.  Send her some flowers or a teddy bear or a nice card to let her know you are thinking about her. The nurse will read it to her if she is not able to read it herself.  Patients can also get calls in the ICU you could try that as she gets stronger.

I am friends with all my ex's and if something happend to them I would be terribly upset and want to see them too. I have an ex that calls me and tells me what's going on in his family still when people are sick and stuff, cause he knows I still care about them. And the way we figure it is, that we broke up, it wasn't that I broke up with the family.  But that is me and not everyone is able to have relationships like that after a break up.  I'll say a prayer for you and especially for her and hopefully you will be able to see or talk to her soon.


Sharon

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

call and leave a message with the nurse, and ask to have the patient call you or someone call you if she says that you can come see her.

Sory that she's doing this... sounds like she's trying to keep her sister's stress level down to a bare minimum!

Putting aside how you feel, how do you believe she would feel or react to seeing you when she's in this condition, and feeling down and vulnerable ?  Some individuals when injured and depressed want people around, others don't wish for certain individuals to see them in certain conditions. This depends on how she feels, her individual constitution.  How did you find out about the accident ?   Has SHE called you yet ? Can she ? Is she coherent ?  Conscious ?   There are factors to this, as with all areas involving others emotions and our own emotions that come into play. What type terms are you on with her, close enough for her to feel comfortable seeing you like this, or is she a vane person ?  Has she or CAN she reach out to you assuming she wanted to, or is her condition still too critical, Might this not be the best time to see her  ?  
Ultimately it's up to what SHE wants, or would likely want.  Nobody else.  Can you think of any reasons she might not wish for you too see her in this shape, and she'd rather wait until her condition improves somewhat ?  BUT,   most importantly,  is she still too injured, and doped up on pain meds to reach out to you yet ?    Matt's idea about asking the nurse about her condition is a great idea, but also tell the nurse you are there, and wish to see her if she feels she can handle a visit from you, if-not yet, please let you know as soon as you can visit, you are VERY concerned and wish to see her.  Additionally patient info offers updates..  What would SHE want in your opinion ?

In the interim, if you haven't already, you can FTD flowers.


I wouldn't take this personally, or even construe it as a lie.  Especially if her sister is attempting to protect her feelings at this stage of the crises.  It's about her comfort, not resolution on your part (to be honest)

While I understand that you feel you were "lied to",  was there a possible reason this was done aside from the sisters OWN feelings about you ?   Perhaps your ex isn't ready to see *YOU* while she's in this  current condition. I don't know, nor do you I suppose. There are different types of "friendship" too (needless to say), however in SUCH a crises things are different, a very close female friend is different than an "ex" in terms of what a person might be willing to expose/share, allow another person to see. Comfort levels regarding various issues differ in a relationship between an ex, and a same-sex non-romantic friend, or even a best friend of the opposite sex (as tough as this may be to admit). How are you finding out this info anyway ?  RE:  "Blog on her condition" ?   Who else can you speak with about her condition and feelings ?  

Assume there is more comfort sharing certain things with a close friend when ill, than with an "ex", she might feel ashamed, dehumanized, "ugly", weak, and she  is likely in emotional crises too.. Also, depending on terms of breakup, current feelings regarding you, her own esteem, etc.  The question I suppose is, "Is she, or isn't she ready to see you"?  If she's not ready,  you were told something with the intent being to protect her feelings.  

If you know the person keeping the blog, speak with her assuming you are on speaking terms.  Is there a best female friend she has who you are on speaking terms with ?   Find out from common friends what's up. Family often doesn't understand certain things, but if she's not conscious, that's a different situation.  If she's paralyzed, she might be EXTREMELY despondant, not ready to see you.  So much depends on different things, for instance, the type of relationship you two had, and the type of character BOTH of you still have.  

Keeping in mind HER feelings have priority given this crises, a serious accident brings with it A LOT of emotional havoc for her and her family. Of course you need consolation too,  and sometimes a close common friend is the best source of solice, a person on the outside.  Emotions regarding ex's, and even current romantic relationships get confusing sometimes when one of the partners is in dire shape, especially when critical.  It's about her needs and wants now.

Assuming you know as fact, "She'd really want me to be there now Steve",  disregard all the above rant

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Thanks all for advices but here is the deal. She's heavily sedated most of the time so I don't think my ex has much of saying who gets in and who doesn't. It's totally depending on her sister. It seems her sister or a family member is there almost all the time and her sister the gate keeper. This sister is from Southern CA and don't know me well. I do know her other sister well and she lives locally. I may try to contact her and see what's going on.

I left a card when I visited her last time. No flowers or balloons are allowed in ICU. I sent her a recording of some songs from musicals we went to via her friend and I hope she gets it. I don't know what else to do.

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Seize the day and SING!!!

When I had an ex in the hospital I called the nurses station every day inquiring about her condition quite concerned.   She found out I cared (and called me as soon as she felt she could), the nurses will tell her you are thinking of her, and very concerned.  Call frequently and let the nurses know who you are, and tell them you are very concerned.  She'll get the message.  Might be all you can/should currently do !   Matts idea was really the best bet under such current conditions IMO.  Three operations she's probably feeling sick from the anesthesia too.


VERY IMPORTANT TOO !    Be good to YOU, treat yourself well too Eben, meaning don't beat yourself up or flood yourself with concerns and aspects you don't currently have control of. Concern of course is understandible, and normal ! In my particular case when situations such as this happen, I start to feel flooded with guilt, and feelings that I wasn't a decent "friend", (why the mind plays these games I don't know, but it does for some of us).  These are times I keep a copy of that serenity prayer around,  helps sort out what I have control of, what I do not have control of, what I should and likewise should not accept, etc.  Fact is, sometimes there's very little we can do about situations, we just can't really see that at the time.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Well, I finally had a chance to see my ex. Her mom called and told me that she has moved to another hospital and she will be starting PT this week and she feels much better now to receive visitors. I went to see her and she still has Pneumonia and in bed but she was in a remarkably good spirit and mood. She has always been an optimist but I didn't expect her to be in that good shape and spirit.

That made me feel much better. I dropped off a few DVDs for her to watch and talked to her for about 30 minutes. We promised that I will take her to the Korean BBQ place I took Gigi to because she loved the BBQ last time we went out to dinner on my birthday. She will start wheelchair therapy because she still doesn't have feeling below her knees and will be in wheel chair until her swelling goes down near her fractured vertabrae goes down. We still don't know if she will be able to walk yet.

I almost had a tear drop from my eyes though first time I saw her in bed....

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Seize the day and SING!!!

that's WONDERFUL that she's doing better!! Kewl news bud!

Eban I hope she continues to improve

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"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Thank goodness.. You and her have been in my prayers and will continue to be there...



Sharon

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

That's awesome that you got to see her Ben. In the long run- even though you couldn't see her at first- she'll remember later on that you took the time to check in on her and stuff.... and she'll appreciate that you were there, I'm sure:)

Best wishes sent her way for a quick recovery.

.

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♥ Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain. Cherish the memories, ignore the pain. Love and learn, forget and forgive. Because you only have one life to live. ♥

I'm glad her condition is improving !

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".