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I don't know if this is new but it's new to me... I thought it was funny....


Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.   The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"

No, no... it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you."   He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window.  He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.


"Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passing the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... Then his body hits the sidewalk... Splat !!!!


Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, shakes his head, and says..... "You know, Superman, you're a real (@$%&#!) when you're drunk."

pmsl  LMAO

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

OMG Vicki.. don't move! You're at post 2222!!!!!  :worship:

How can 2 1/2 inches satisfy a woman EVERY TIME?


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_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

The superman joke was great.

A policeman see's a car moving eraticly down the road.
He jumped out into the road, put his hand up and shouted stop.
He wasn't strong enough.

guess I moved huh  LMAO  :hug:

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
  Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
  Able to monitor my moods.

 

  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
  Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
  Fricking red mark on his forehead.

 

  Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Ok so I edited the f word Its STILL funny !! !!

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

yup I can so identify with this, having waited 9 years after the ceremony for a wedding ring

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Oh my god Kelley.... that is freakin' hillarious.  LMAO  LOL


.

_________________
♥ Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain. Cherish the memories, ignore the pain. Love and learn, forget and forgive. Because you only have one life to live. ♥

Been there, done that, wear the red markssssssssssssssssssss.

A store that sells new HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City,
where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is
a description of how the store operates:


  1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!


  2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as
the
shopper ascends.


  3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose
to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

  A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have
jobs.


  The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.


  The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love
kids, and
are extremely good looking.

  "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


  She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

  "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework,
and
have a strong romantic streak.


  She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


And then ...


  To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new WIVES
store
just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.

  The first floor has wives that love sex.

  The second floor has wives that love sex and have money ...


  The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Wish they would open one of those stores in england.

Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the

Flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 has uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.



What can I do?



Signed,



Desperate

**********************************************



Dear Desperate:



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.



Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try
to download Tears 6.2 . Also don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1

is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck,



Tech Support

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

excellent kelley

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent,

self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating

ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a

meadow near her castle.



A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant
Lady, I was

once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me.



One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper,

young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and set up

housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you
can satisfy my

needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.



That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on
lightly sautéed frog

legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and

thought to herself:



I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

!!!

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

yeah if only the fairytales had told the real story when we were children. Hans Christian Anderson and Grimm had a lot to answer for

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
>
> A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
>
> "Please note that this Bank is installing new
>
> Drive-through ATM machines
>
> enabling customers to withdraw cash
>
> without leaving their vehicles.
>
> Customers using this new facility are
>
> requested to use the procedures outlined
>
> below when accessing their accounts."
>
>
>
> "After months of careful research, MALE
>
> &FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
>
> Please follow the appropriate
>
> steps for your gender."
>
> MALE PROCEDURE:
>
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>
> 2. Put down your car window.
>
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>
> 6. Put window up.
>
> 7. Drive off.
>
>
>
> **********************************************
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
>
> Unfortunately, most of this part
>
> is the Truth.!!!!
>
>
>
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
>
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align
> car window with the machine.
>
> 3. Set parking brake put the window down.
>
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger
> seat to locate card.
>
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back
> and hang up.
>
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access
>
> to machine due to its excessive distance
>
> from the car.
>
> 8. Insert card.
>
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
>
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary;
>
> with your PIN written on the inside back page.
>
> 11. Enter PIN.
>
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
>
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate
>
> wallet and place cash inside.
>
> 17. Write debit amount in check register  and place
> receipt in back of checkbook.
>
> 18. Re-check makeup.
>
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>
> 21. Retrieve card.
>
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place
> card into the slot provided!
>
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
> behind you.
>
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>
> 25. Redial person on cell phone.
>
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>
> 27. Release Parking Brake.
>
 :)  :D  LOL  LMAO  :dancin:

did I send that one to ya? It sure looks familiar  :whistle:

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."