Karaoke Forums

Just got this today in email & its kinds cute Thought it would lighten the mood around here ...I tried to post it on a thread called Funny Jokes but I guess it wont pull it to the top for some reason ... so if ya read it twice sorry EDIT Ahh I seeee...its in another forum *blond moment* & Im not even blond !!

LATEX GLOVES

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.  

"Oh, well.  I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!", she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies!  Their minds are always working!!!

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

Thanks for the laugh Kelley.  :hug:  LMAO

Ok, here's one:

A cow climbs up into a tree and sits down next to a squirrel.

The squirrel says, "hey! what are *you* doing up here?"

The cow replied, "I thought I'd come up here and eat some apples".

The squirrel said,"Apples! There are no apples up here! There's only acorns!"

The cow said, "I know, I brought my own."

da dum dum


And another:

Here about the two peanuts walking down the street?

One was assaulted.


And my absolute favorite to tell little kids:

Q. What's yellow and taste like bananas?

A. Monkey spit    (kids love it)

Thanks......  LMAO  LMAO  LMAO

The Washington Post publishes the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj. impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam!

12. Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He
said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the
5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows
about this stuff but me."

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

That was hilarious !

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

 LMAO  LMAO

how you doing Jesse?

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Im doing ok this morning,Thanks  

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the  food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

--Author Unknown

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

Suddenly, the angel librarian hears a loud scream, followed by the most unholy cursing and swearing. He goes running toward its source only to find the Pope pounding his fist against the table and screaming, "Those idiots! Those morons! The R. They left out the R!", he bellowed.

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After calming down and collecting his wits, the Pope began to sob, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The naming of Canada.

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

"You know, eh" said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through, eh."

"I know, eh" said the second explorer. " Why don't we each pick a letter, eh, and then make a name out of that, eh?"

"Good idea, eh" said the third explorer. "You go first, eh."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, eh."

"Now it's my turn, eh" said the second explorer. "N, eh."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed all three explorers. Eventually, some other guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

**Good One, eh?

A man walks into a bar, and is the only one in there. He sits down & orders a drink. THe bartender gives him his drink, and then goes back into the corner washing dishes & glasses.

All of the sudden the man hears, "Hey, that's a nice shirt."
He looks around, and no one is still in the bar & the bartender is still busy washing glasses. He says, "bartender, did you say something?"

Bartender replies, "Nope, just over here washing glasses. We're the only ones in here."  "Oh," the man says.

3 minutes later, he hears "Wow, that's a sharp tie you're wearing!"
THe man looks around again, and says, "bartender, I swear you just said something to me just now."
The bartender said, "nope, I'm still over here washing glasses. I didn't say a word, buddie."  "oh," the man says.

3 minutes go by and he finally hears, "You know, you smell terriffic today!"
THe mans exclaimes, "All right! Bartender, you and I are the only ones in here, and three times now I've heard someone say something, and you swear it isn't you. I hear, 'that's a nice shirt', 'that's a sharp tie', and 'you smell terriffic'... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I forgot. That's just the peanuts... they're complimentary."

   

_________________
Snare drum pounds on the two and four
All the party people get on the floor

These are just quacking me up!!!  LMAO

_________________
Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

I GET IT!!!!!!!!!  *in his best Alf voice* HA HA HA!!!  

_________________
Snare drum pounds on the two and four
All the party people get on the floor

Great joke Louis--hope to see you tomorrow night at your gig! Michael

Thanks, Mike - hopefully I will see you tomorrow night!    :dancin:
Yeaaaaaa! More victims... uh, I mean, singers!  

_________________
Snare drum pounds on the two and four
All the party people get on the floor

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily t rotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

 Give more.

Expect less


NOW ............

Enough of that malarky . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got  infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your (@$%&#!), it always comes back to bite you.

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."