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Firsthand Info !
Santa Clause does exist ! The people that don't believe in Santa happen to all live in multidwelling complexes, and either don't have chimney's in their condominium/timeshare/Apartment, etc or what's even worse are the attitudes of association Boards these days ! Along with the "Shivia act" around 1996 (pertaining to the placing of FCC devices on "common property"), certain local zoning ordinances also have a Santa "clause" written in forbidding landing's and takeoff's of non-motor powered forms of transportation in their By-Laws. Often a condo's Board of Director's like's to tinkle on other's parade too, It's not uncommon for association boards to send copies of their By-Laws to the N. Pole. Santa doesn't want to do anything that will result in a unit owner getting fined for By-Law infractions, he's cool like that.
Problem really started as far back as the 1970's. During that time "No fly zones" started becoming more strictly enforced, and the FAA began restricting altitude over certain zones even more-so than prior years... In Delaware around 1972 in fact, one of the raindeer got it's muzzle stuck in a Pratt and Whitney DC-9 engine; Between that, and the event that culminated in the death of a drunken guy piloting an ultralight around Miami Beach (needless to say ultralights shouldn't be taken out after 12:00AM anyway), Santa still got blamed, and was deposed back to Dade County. This event resulted in Santa having to head back to Miami during hot and humid daylight hours, (Between the 90+ temps of miami, and the sub-freezing temps of his natural habitat in the North Pole, Santa ended up BiPolar). Since that event (and also having to fly over Bridgeport CT, and Hoboken NJ during daylight hours) his major situational depression set in too. Santa lost some of his zeal, refused to take his psychotropic meds, and the local shrink he was seeing in Palmer Alaska was even sicker than he was. That exacerbated things I think the final straw was that the widow of the deceased (drunk ultralight pilot) had a really good Jewish Lawyer from Boca Raton. He made a few points about whether Santa was really suited to do what he's been doing over the past many many years.. The courts clamped down, and brought up Santa's declining night vision; Forced to see an Opthamologist, it turned out Santa's spatial relationship problems were likely the result of a cataract that started forming on his right eye. His hypertension was also starting to result in pressure on his optic nerve, and because Gloucoma might be present, Santa had to appeal the courts decision to restrict his international flying license with a Civil Disabilities Attorney. This all naturally took it's toll on the guy (who was no longer a "Spring Chicken" by any means).
Santa started becoming even more despondent because it was becoming evident to him that people just don't think as much these days, or care as much about him. Mrs. Clause was going through menopause and laying guilt trips on him for never being home... Obviously given the sparse number of people with chimney's these days, and people forgetting to open their flue Christmas eve, not to mention new laws, and safety issues that didn't exist in the 1960's, mandatory insurance he must carry all year on his vehicle (with considerably increased premiums) because of accidents, and two FUI violations; Kid's owning guns these days and taking pot shot's at the reindeer, or shining radio-shack lasers into their eyes upset him the most. Santa just didn't feel as wanted anymore; While he's still quite efficient for his age and his somewhat restricted condition, he's become more selective.
He doesn't need the gig that much anyway these days, It was a voluntary thing for him because he liked kids. As some of the kid's grew, he just got another local gig nights, something closer to home.
He now hangs out with the baby-boomers that follow Burton Cummings around. Santa's the sound man for "The Guess Who" now. I don't recall the exact details, yet around 1997 he flew over to Europe with a few pair of size 62 denim jeans, and returned with a REALLY high-end Allen & Heath mixer. It was an even trade ! (I think the mixer was a demo, but still he made out quite well IMHO); He's pretty happy with his current gig, and although he takes a few weeks in December off for his traditional voluntary work (without even taken it as a tax deduction), he's more restricted these days. He might not do Christmas at all shortly down the road
Can you blame him ? "No Time"
S. Kaplan
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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".
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