Karaoke Forums

Uh, yeah....cute....   sheesh!

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Who loves ya baby?

OK OK So I took it down.Youre the second person to say something so I figured I'd just delete it .Better now? No problem. Sorry if it offended anyone.

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Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

you didnt offend me  :wave:
hmmmmmm mind you that takes a lot
She spent the first day packing her belongings  into boxes, crates and

suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her

things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

dining room table by candlelight,  put on some soft background music, and

feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed

half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of

the curtain rods.  She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the

first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried

everything, Cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked

for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung

everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during

which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to

replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

 

People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.  Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer  

for their stinky house.  Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused

to return their calls.  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank

to purchase a  new place.  

 

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.  He told

her the saga of the rotting house.  She listened politely, and said that she

missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce

settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had

no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of

what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that

very day.  She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the

moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the

curtain rods.

 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

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"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

That's priceless.

A young newlywed couple desided that they wanted to find a new church that would be "theirs".  They went to services at several and found one they liked.  The pastor invited them to visit him in the parish house to learn about becoming members.

When they arrived, there were two other couples present.   Each couple told the pastor about themselves.  One was married 5 years and had 2 children.  The second was married a year and was thinking about starting a family.  And, of course, the third couple was the newlyweds.

The pastor explained that they had a small test for potential new parishoners to show that their religious conviction is stronger than the weakness of the flesh -- they had to go without sex for a month.  They were on the honor system to be truthful in reporting their success or failure.

A month went by and the couples met at the parrish house again.

The first couple started.  The husband said ,"All was fine for a couple weeks.  After that, we were tempted.  But we are very devoted in our religious beliefes and we were able to resist temptation."

The pastor said, "Welcome to our congregation."

The wife from the second couple then spoke up.  "We only went a week before the temptation started, and it got really strong after three weeks.  But we really do want to join your chruch, so we stuck it out the whole month."

The pastor said, "Welcome to our congregation."

The husband of the newlywed couple went last.  "Well, we only went one night before we were tempted.  After a week, I was sorely tmpted and thought I was not going to be able to take it, but my wife was able to convice me it was worth it.  I could lie to you, but I think being truthful is important so I'm just going to admit that after three weeks, I saw her bending over the freezer and I just couldn't resist.  We had sex right there on the freezer."

The pastor said, "Well, I appreciate your honesty, but I'm really sorry; you just aren't welcome in our congregation."

The man replied, "That's OK, we aren't welcome in Publix (substitute name of local supermarket chain) anymore, either."

OK, maybe not short -- but one of may favorites.

Works for me.

sandshark,

It's also one of my favorite jokes!

Welcome,
Susie

_________________
You do it in the shower,
you do it in the car,
Ccome do it with us,
and be a star!!!!

Karaoke with Full House Entertainment

[scroll]Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean...... [/scroll]

Absolute true story......  We were in a first aid class in the military... The instructor gave about 30 min  spiel on helping with childbirth.  He described a problem then asked what would you do in this situation. I said well id do this and that.  He said exactly right have you taken this course before?  No I havnt but it works with cows.. He fell on the floor laughing so hard..

A married couple in their early 60s were out
celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared
on their table and
said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and
for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you
each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with
my darling husband"
said
the
wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two tickets for
the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought
for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will
never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife
30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a
wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and -
poof! - the
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember that fairies are
female.

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

One for Big Dog!!!!


The PURINA DIET plan

I have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (? DUH!)

So on impulse, I told her, "no, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. But I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
"It is essentially the perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and the food is nutritionally complete, so I'm going to try it again."
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with
my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked, "You poor dear! Were you poisoned?"
I told her, "no. I stopped in the middle of the street because I had a sudden urge to
lick my butt and a car hit me."

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

I hope I die very soon...  




I want to get to heaven before all the dead radical Muslims use up all the promised virgins.  

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted
a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?"

   Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked -- except for the boots.
 Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down
 again tomorrow."

   Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,  BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Ray. Should'a bought a
hat."

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

OK, so bin Laden finally gets his "reward"...

George Washington comes over and pounds the crud out of him...

Then Thomas Jefferson...

Then Patrick Henry...

Then Robert E. Lee...

Then George Rogers Clark...

Bin Laden throws up his hands and says "I have been a faithful servant of Allah...where is my promised reward?  72 virgins and eternal Paradise?"

Washington laughs and says, "Oh...you didn't hear about that typo in the Koran?  That line should be 'Virginians'...you've got 67 more of us ready to beat the tar out of you for all eternity!"

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[glow=white][scroll]Live, laugh, and love today--just in case tomorrow doesn't make it[/scroll][/glow]

EGOTIST:  
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

YAWN:  
An honest opinion openly expressed.

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

KARAOKE:

What pallbearers do in Tulsa

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[glow=white][scroll]Live, laugh, and love today--just in case tomorrow doesn't make it[/scroll][/glow]

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town
and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we
came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  We went up to him
and said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So
Marilyn called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus. We try to have
a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
Garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
Bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
Falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if
I
Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
Money? "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
To the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game,
a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I
Say:  $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
 
By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."


I so like this lil ol' lady's style

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."