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Oh yeah....she's a hottie...it is truely torture!!

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C Mc
KJ, FL

I think you answered your own question.

1)  She was honest with you, now you be honest with her. There's nothing wrong
    with YOUR desires.

2)  She told you basically,  "Don't hold your breath".  While it hasn't progressed to
    a two year emotional investment... You know you... and have a right to your
    needs. "I'm not sure I could wait a month"... Indicates to me this is a masochistic
    situation for you to knowingly get yourself involved in.

It sounds to me, as though she's put "her cards" on the table.  You do the same. Noone loses !  Assume she's being honest.  She didn't say "I might change my mind".. She never said, "I'm not ready",  she's established a definate boundary between you two.. If you end up unhappy in this relationship,  It would at this point be YOUR own fault, for not doing (for you) what you must do for yourself, and that's at least express your needs.. She's been open with you, perhaps if she knows you have sexual feelings she will agree there's no chance... COMMUNICATE your needs.  SHe has !

Is it easier to sit back, and hope she changes her mind ?  OF COURSE...

But that's fantasy.  She's told you HER feelings thus-far. Assume that to be her reality.



There's no debate or argument.  It's her body, her life, as it is your body, your life.. and decision as to how much you are willing to compromise in a relationship.

(I also want to add that I DO recognise the dilemma here.  It's nice going out with a "gorgeous person", HOWEVER... Do you want a show toy ?  Or person you share important things with ?  Didn't most of we guys, want a gorgeous female by our side at some point ?   I know I did....)


ADDED IN:

There's one other thing that needs to be considered Chris.  I know this was a biggy for me.. I feared it like all hell in my 20's and 30's, and it made many gig's agonizing for me....  Assuming things become tense, you two fight, don't really have much solid holding this together in YOUR mind... are you prepared to see her hanging in the bar you work at while other males hit on her, assuming even now, this ends, and she starts seeing other males where you KJ ?  If you haven't gotten too attached yet, minimize chances of how ramifications of a relationship such as this can hurt you too... I see this as potential frustration and fear.. "What if some other guy get's more than I did"... sounds shallow sure,  yet it's a real fear many of us have...We DO have ego's... even women do !!   THis type situation also scared the hell out've me...  If you aren't too attached yet, I'd not want someone I'm involved with flirting in front of me when we get into spats, or break up... For me, this was by far the TOUGHEST situation that existed.. Seeing someone I wasn't over, leaving with another male. Especially when you are extremely attracted to the female.  That situation crushed me more than once.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

I had a 4 year relationship that broke up. Shortly after the break up
he started coming in with his new girlfriend every night I worked and sat
practically in front of the stage. Thank goodness neither of them sang. It drove me nuts. Even though I didn't want to go back with him, it was agonizing to see him. Especially watching him spend money all night long when he owed me $3000. ask him not to come in and he said it was a public place. The problem being I worked there I couldn't just leave when he walked in.

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[shadow=pink][glow=deepskyblue]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[updown]~*~ MONKEY BUSINESS KARAOKE~*~ [/shadow][/updown][/glow]

At least you were more practical than I was regarding your concerns Bab's..  I'd be afraid that this is the guy she gives up her virginity to because he's more "manly" than I am... Or more demonstrative with in public than she was when she was with me.. The money aspect wouldn't bother me as much as that fear.  I'd really be afraid that "Maybe this guy is manly enough to do what I couldn't do"..  Ego's suck !


Just being totally honest.  This is the type of concern I had in this type situation.  Perhaps Chris doesn't.  I hope he doesn't..  Yet I wasn't good at dealing with this type situation.  I had to deal with this area of my insecurity, and adjust accordingly.. That was the nicest thing about one-nighters when on the road, and taking off really soon !  It was emotionally safer.  Sometimes the best relationships are short and acute... ALSO separated by distance or death.... Sounds bizarre yep... But incompatible relationships can become a source of agony too...Especially if the person isn't really a friend... But someone you are extremely physically attracted to.
It can be tough ending a relationship with someone you think you "loved", and also very painful when a relationship ends with someone you've become infatuated with, have a crush on, and things end unfulfilled.  This is why real men stay home and type in chat areas... they avoid relationships

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN>>>> DO NOT LOOK BACK>>>>>>RUN FASTER

Way, way back when I was in my 20's (okay, let's can the laughter and catcalls.  I was in my 20's once upon a time  LOL ) I had a 3-piece band.  We played every Friday and Saturday at the same place for over a year.  During that time I saw our bass player's marriage break up while we were on stage.  It was really sad and because we worked there, our bass player wasn't in much of a position to do anything about it.  I don't think he could have anyway.  She was pretty headstrong and young and tired of sitting there night after night with no one to dance with.  I never want to go through that again.

I've been dating a widow who is very attractive and who looks much younger than she really is.  We've got a nice relationship going and she's made it clear that she's not interested in anyone but me.  But being the attractive lady she is, she does get hit on fairly frequently—especially at places we've not played before and where guys don't know she's with me.

It bothered me a lot in the beginning.  But she has a nice way of dealing with them and really hasn't been a problem.  Most of the time all she has to do is say that she's with one of the guys in the band and she gets an apology and the guy goes away.  If it goes any farther than that she points me out to the guy.  I'm 6'3" and 245 lb. and that pretty much ends things right there.  I'm really a teddy bear, unless I'm really provoked but I think it helps that they don't know that.  And for some reason it's never occurred to me to explain to them what a teddy bear I really am.

Larry

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"Life is too short for diet soda and lite beer"

I avoid women that frequent bars now Larry.  Just do..  My own feelings are now that women our age if they hang in bars (assuming they aren't employed by the bar), but regs out've choice or "bar-fly's" aren't women I want to be in a relationship with.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Well . . . I can see what you mean although like most generalizations it is still, after all a generalization.  Because the bulk of my social life occurs on the weekends and because quite often we're playing on the weekends much of my social life seems to happen in bars.  Not good or bad, that's just the way it is.

I can honestly say that I have seen very few unattached women over the past few years that I would have been interested in spending time with.  Now that I've reached the stage where my hormones aren't dragging me around by the cojones I've become kind of selective.  

I think I would echo what women have been telling me for years, "Why are the good ones always taken?"  When they tell me that I always ask myself, "Wait a minute, what about me?"  So far no one has seen fit to enlighten me.

Larry

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"Life is too short for diet soda and lite beer"

Yes it is a generalization Larry.  I won't deny that.. Yet I can only take so much too... We inevitably end up having to do whatever it is we need to do to minimize adding trouble and tumult to our lives...  a "bar-fly" IS NOT what I want in a mate... no if's, and's, or but's... I don't want a woman who each time the relationship get's difficult she goes out drinking with her girlfriends to meet other guys.... That's not for me. Not in a middle-aged woman especially.  Not the type of female I'd tolerate.  SImilarly, I don't resort to that type behaviour either.  I need the bar-stuff behind me.

I've learned how to live alone.  Necessary aspect of survival for me.  I also don't look for relationships.  If they happen, they happen.  If not, I get abit lonely (It won't kill me), and end up with less stress in my life as a result of not having another person cluttering my already cluttered style... Relationships can be extremely stressful, and lonely.  Being unattached and lonely is far easier IMO... I just can't tolerate the same old stuff over and over again... Meeting, Impacting, games... yadda yadda.... WOndering what to do next..  (I try very hard not to play the games yet seldom do both partners NOT initially play some degree of game).. As a result I'd be a bore... So I'll be a bore in here with you folks...sue me  LMAO

I don't have the energy for any more emotional roller-coasters. Intense emotion is exhausting.  Women are dangerous !

Yet so are men, to lonely women..  or women that are looking... "attraction" gives me gas !

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Honestly,  Some relationships are very painful.  They aren't meant to be. Being physically attracted to a person when the testosterone is still going is hell on earth assuming the person isn't meant to be with you...  It clutters judgement MUCH of the time.  We want them to be that which they aren't..  In fact at times we feel we NEED them to be something they are not... Infatuation sucks... Some even marry as a result... painful stuff..

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Man oh man. You need to be writing poetry and turning it into song. You got a lot going on inside your soul.

I sold my soul on Ebay


(Got negative feedback, and death threats too from the buyer)  

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

I can't disagree with you Kap.  During the last 10 years of my marriage I was for all intents and purposes alone.  She lived upstairs and I lived downstairs.  We saw each other a couple of times a week and argued.  Not a good situation.

I didn't go seeking another relationship because I don't believe in cheating and even though we weren't really "togehter" I still would have viewed it as cheating.  During that time I learned to prize solitude.  Actually, although I was alone much of the time I didn't really feel lonely.

I think that during that time, the band was a great outlet for me.  That's where my passion and my emotion went.  Also, every night after supper I practiced for an hour.  Not only did that keep my skills (such as they are) from deteriorating, I also found it very relaxing.  After an hour of practice I noticed that the stresses of the day seemed to have lessened.

I know what you mean about bar-flies.  And I agree.  But I know quite a number of women that I frequent the bar I go to and I would not categorize them as bar-flies.  They aren't there getting sloppy drunk every night.  They are just people who like to go and have a few drinks, socialize with their friends at the bar and then go home.

Larry

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"Life is too short for diet soda and lite beer"

I'm not going to get dramatic. But during certain times, music get's me more into my head... If I'm bummed,  hearing certain songs intensifies negative emotions and memories... That made music VERY tough for me during such time periods... Not sure why,  just the way I'm wired I suppose. Although I'm a musician, when I want neutral, or peace and quiet (such as times like now)  I sit in silence,,,with fans and A/C..  No music, no radio, no stimuli


Again,  my purpose is NOT to steal this thread.  I TOTALLY can identify with what Chris is facing now.... If what he's going thru is different than what I experienced, he's likely better off.... This type situation makes me relive alot of the identicle type scenerio I went thru up until around 45... Attractive females were a "hunt" for me. Also an addiction. One thing I forgot, is that they were "people" too..  They appeared as a need to me. A strong addiction

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Music is a unique art form unlike any of the others. Music penetrates to our soul, our very being. So it does seem that your eBay sale was not successful.

It's a unique area of aesthetics, correct.   Photo's, and paintings can be poignant reminders to artists as well.  They penetrate the "soul" for some.  Yet rather than "soul", I use the phrase "emotional triggers" in this context...








and at times, certain types of music can feed a negative spiraling process, at times the types of music we enjoy, might be the type of music that can also feed into a depressive cycle. It can be too sensitizing.  Sometimes quiet is nice. There are alot of times we must get out've our heads,  not further into our head.

Horrible thunderstorm... You folks are spared...   Later..Need to shut stuff off

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

I hear you and cannot disagree. And this is the last I will say in this thread about this topic. What do you do if you are the type that has a song, a melody, a lyric running through your brain from morning till night. You go to bed with it and you wake up with it. You go to the store and you find your self humming harmonies to the background music. And I know others like me. Weird or not so weird.

Kap,

I too am affected negatively by certain songs because they evoke bad memories.  I stay away from them if I'm in the mood to be alone.  They just make things worse.  Generally I concentrate either on things that give me a boost.

I have found that the blues has been a comfort almost always.  I don't exactly know why.  I like to play the blues when I don't have them as well as when I do have them.  For me they are a wonderful emotional outlet.

Good luck in the storm, Kap.  Keep your head down.

Larry

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"Life is too short for diet soda and lite beer"

For most it passes, for others it doesn't, and like a record player that skips in a groove (in our head) for LONG time-spans,  for others it's really annoying. We don't always have control of it, othertimes we can distract ourselves... Alot of this is neurological. We don't have control of all our thoughts. We don't always know why certain things affect us as they do. Yet there's a sensual element to music, and just like images, it can imbed itself.

It's not uncommon.  I've known worker's who've literally whistled, or hummed the same passage of ONE song for years on end. Just a short passage, if it happens to be a passage of a song others hate, it can be a real drag..  Others more commonly .  I'm a synesthete, I can go to an old neighborhood I haven't been to in years, and start thinking about a song I was thinking about, likely start humming a song where I left off years prior. Only reminder of the song is a visual catalyst. A site trigger's the song.  Like a computer practically... It's a neurological phenom. Might have something to do with learning music before I could talk, constant exposure even in the womb, we don't know.... In other ways, it's a pain in the butt... I'm highly sensitized visually, and auditorally...

I agree,  back to Topher's thread.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Good luck Chris !  These were always tough situations for me.  They aren't fun.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".