Karaoke Forums

In my continuing string of "interesting" relationships, I have just started dating this gal about 3 weeks ago. She's absolutely gorgeous, very sweet, a good karaoke singer (big plus), with strong family ties here in the area.

Last night, however, she tells me that she does not believe in pre-marital sex or sexual acts of any kind before marriage. YIKES!! It is even more strange because she isn't religious at all, so I wonder where this comes from.

I don't want to argue the moral or practical implications of pre-marital sex, but suffice to say that I for one am not a big fan of not having it....

I know the right thing to do is just tell her where I stand and see what she has to say, but all I can think of now is how this is just absolutely doomed to fail and I should just move on now while it is still early and no one gets hurt. She even told me that her last relationship of 2 years ended because the guy didn't want to wait any longer and gave her the ultimatum that it was either GO time or go time. I'm not sure I could last even a month or two under the same circumstances!! Thoughts??

P.S....I remember dealing with this kinda thing when I was 16-18, but I'm 29!! I didn't know that there was such a thing as a very attractive, non-religious virgin at my age!! BTW, she's 22 and may be too young for me either way!!

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C Mc
KJ, FL

Chris,

  What ended up happening with the other girl.  The one who didn't appear too communicative, and pulled "distancing" games.   How did that evolve ?  How long did it last beyond the point you last mentioned.  Also, just out've curiosity. What did you learn from that relationship ?





If she doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, and you won't marry a woman you haven't had sex with first you two aren't compatible.  I'd never marry anyone if we weren't physically, as well as mentally and emotionally compatible.... I don't want to get married only to find out we aren't sexually compatible...UNLESS that's not important to you... YOU are a part of the relationship too.  She might change her mind.. Don't know... Date other's too.. DO NOT get too close. Here's another option.  You two can still remain friends ! This might be a time to work that out.. Doesn't need to be all or none.  She might just be afraid of having sex, or she might or might not be telling you the truth..

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Yeah, that's kinda the approach I am taking right now. Hanging out, having a good time, but not getting too close and committing to anything. If it gets to the point where she asks for a committment, then that would be the prefect time to tell her why I have reservations about that.

As far as the other girl, we dated until about 2 months ago. It ended when she accused me of cheating on her (which I most certainly did not). Either way, she was scared to death of committment and I wasn't going to change that fact so I felt great about getting out of that one, though I wish it could have been on better terms. I figure we both just knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere and she needed an excuse to get out and make me the bad guy, hence the accusations so she could have a good reason to tell her friends for breaking up. Works for me.

The biggest thing I learned from her was that it is very very important for me to find someone who is in the same general "place" as me as far as their expectations for relationships and emotional state. Oh, and it also confirmed for me that gals who have to keep reminding me and themselves of how "independent" they are are certainly NOT for me. Since when did a little mutual dependence on your mate become percieved as some kind of character flaw?? Why does the media try to convince women that they don't need anyone but themselves?? And why do alot of them believe this? But anyway....

Of course I have found out pretty fast that this new girl may not be on the same page, so that is why this red flag has already gone up!! I also agree that I wouldn't be able to marry someone who I did not know was physically compatable with me. I'm not looking to jump this girl's bones anytime soon, and am certainly willig to take things slow, but for that level of intamacy to absoultely off limits makes me wonder if that is hiding a deeper issue on her part.

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C Mc
KJ, FL

It sounds as if both you and the young lady are pretty serious about your respective feelings on this issue.  It also sounds as if she doesn't see any middle ground here so there is no room for any kind of compromise on her part.

I applaud her honesty in letting you know how she feels.  If you haven't already, you may want to return the favor.  You both need to have the opportunity to make your own decisions about your relationship.

I think what it all boils down to is where you see this relationship going.  It's still early in the game for both of you so that might be kind of difficult to determine.  But if you think she might "be the one" you might want to consider giving this some time to see what develops.  Either way you need to respect her feelings.

Ordinarily, I would say that if you're going to have a chance at a healthy relationship, she needs to respect your feelings too.  But this is a situation that really doesn't allow for that.  The two of you are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this issue and if she shows her respect by "giving in" her personal integrity will suffer and the consequences could well be disastrous for your relationship.

I'm not sure exactly how she communicated her feelings to you but I don't get the impression that you feel she might have a change of heart if the two of you get to the point where you are going to make a serious commitment to each other.  So, if you decide to be patient, you might very well end up being patient up to the point where it's marriage or nothing.  That may not be very workable for you.

I certainly wouldn't suggest that you try to talk her out of the stand she's taken on this issue.  It may well give her the wrong impression of your motives; another relationship destroyer.

The ball is in your court.  How much do you want to be with her and what are you willing to do to make that happen?  If the answer is that you are not interested in a non-physical relationship you will both be better of if you tell her now.

Good luck.  This is not an easy situation to deal with.

Larry

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"Life is too short for diet soda and lite beer"

If it starts as a non-physical relationship, it could stay that way after she marries as well.

Wow what a double edged sword. There's several schools of thought on this.
She's young, 22, and still a virgin. Nothing wrong with that, she's just setting a higher standard of morals than most out there. And ask yourself this question. You've been friends with other women before, just friends, then you finally go and have sex with that person. Everything changes right? Sex has ruined more friendships in my life than I even want to think about. That's why when I have female friends now, they're just that, friends and nothing more. If I feel the need, I'll go pick up some gal whose only looking for sex. That way things don't get confusing and you don't end up ruining true friendships. I've dated women before and we didn't have sex, and of course it didn't last long, but the problem was mine, not hers. I'm the one who couldn't wait. My grandfather had a saying which has turned out to be pretty true, 'you wouldn't want to be with someone that everyone's already been with, would you'. Of course the answer is no. Men tend to be hypocrites when it comes to women, we want the whore in bed and the virgin in public. Can't have it both ways guys, just doesn't work like that.
My personal thoughts on the matter, if sex is something so important in your relationship, that you're not willing to make the commitment that the young lady is looking for, then do yourselves both a favor and walk away. Or on the other hand, why not just enjoy the moment for what it is. If you like her company and she puts a smile on your face, why ruin it. Be glad that you've actually met someone, who you can trust and isn't out giving the goods away to every bum that comes in the bar.
Trust is the hardest thing to find in any relationship nowadays. The worst thing is to have to worry about what your partner is doing while you're away.  
In short if she's worth it, you'll respect her wishes and try not to push the issue.

And understand, my comments are not as much directed to you personally as they are meant as a statement in general about how all men approach relationships.
But then again, who am I to talk. I'm a dog and I know it, thing is, most of the women in my life know this too, and they know that going into any type of relationship with me. All you can do is be honest, and let the cards fall where they may.  
As for me personally, a Motorhead song often comes to mind when it comes to the subject of certain women. 'Sometimes the chase is better than the catch'
Good luck, I really do hope things work out for you. You've met someone that most of us can only dream about, don't screw it up...

James
Maninblack

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I serve no man and am loyal to only one God.

Being critical of a person's success in any respect speaks volumes about the lack of your own.

Love as though you've never been hurt, Dance as though no one's watching, Sing as though God Himself were listening.

I agree with ATM on this one...

I wouldn't buy a car without taking a test ride--and you only keep those for a few years.  Wives are supposed to be forever, and cost a lot more than cars!

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Spreading the karaoke gospel

Don't even anticipate "that point".  Commitment for what ?  You've known her for 3 weeks.  Realize that this is a limited relationship, and another source of frustration for you.. Heck at 29 sex was most important to me in a relationship.  Don't let the fact that she's "attractive" reel you in... She's another PERSON.... Try to detach the gender aspect for a moment, and realize that YOUR NEEDS matter EVERY BIT as much as hers.... There's NO commitment. "Monogomy" ? If she doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, and you do ?  Why would you want to make such a ludicrous commitment.  Don't take on her issue.  While there are reasons people might "fear" having sex, and it's everybit as real as your own desires, and my own desires... Why would you wish to commit to somebody who is depriving you of your own wants and needs at this stage in your life ?  Why would you even wish to nurture this and allow yourself to become emotionally attached to her ?   Distance yourself while you can still see things in a reasonable perspective.

IF sex is at some point in a relationship an important aspect of the relationship FOR YOU, at 29 there is NO reason you should have to shelve your needs and wants !
It's not a compromise you should make IMO.... For what ?   It's only three weeks of dating.  She's thrown an obstacle in that you should not have to tolerate if sex is important to you ~

Sexual imcompatibility ends marriages, and MANY established relationships.  Why get into something after three weeks when you should just assume there IS sexual incompatibility !  Stay friends.  That's all..  Honestly,  What will you hope ?  For her to change her mind ?   I've been in that situation.  It's frustrating.  Not worth it... Your wants are EVERY BIT as real and necessary as HERS

Watch,  you marry her, and than she decides she wants to become a Jehovah's Witness, and can't have sex after marriage either    Perhaps she wants to make sure you just aren't using her for sex,  and that would be understandible. She shouldn't want that in a relationship if she's a sensitive person looking for a loving relationship, HOWEVER if she's adamantly opposed to pre-marital sex, you aren't in a compatible relationship currently !

She IS NOT at the same "general" place as you if she says "no sex".  You might ask her why she feels this way however. You might find it's not carved in stone.  It's a fear.  Perhaps she was abused.

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

PS...  You have plenty of time ahead of you to commit your life to virginity !  Wait until you are 50...  It's easy to become a virgin,  fewer want you !


Personally, I don't believe in post-sexual marriage  LMAO

Are you ready for marriage ?   Some of us at 50 still aren't !

Be honest with yourself.  Don't let another person sway you, or get you to rationalize what you want in a relationship.  As a 29 year old male, sex IS an important aspect of a relationship for many.  That can't and shouldn't be minimized by somebody that's never had sex

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

Tough one TopherM.  I had a friend who went through a similar experience.  He met this attractive girl.  First time at her apartment he noticed a picture of an attractive man on her end table.  He was very curious but it was too soon in the realtionship to ask who it was.  But it bothered him.  Finally after her lefting him "in the sack" for the first time he felt the urge to bring up the subject.

He asked if it was her ex?; she said no.  Was it her father at an early age? No.  Her brother? No.  She finally confided to him it was HER before the surgery.

Just kidding TopherM.  But many a truth spoken in jest.  There COULD be a reason.

Kelly

That was a beautiful story Kelly !    I'm batting back tears of sensitivity

Come on Topher,  Take a walk on the wild side !

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

roofies may help in this case   J/K

Maybe she's really a guy... better check before you tie the Knot...Ya never know these days

whoops....didnt read the whole thread b4 posting ...

I lived in Atlanta, playing music on and off for around 20 years. A good rule of thumb is to always check the package before you leave the store. Nothing worse than ordering a taco, only to find out you got a burrito when you get home...

James
Maninblack

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I serve no man and am loyal to only one God.

Being critical of a person's success in any respect speaks volumes about the lack of your own.

Love as though you've never been hurt, Dance as though no one's watching, Sing as though God Himself were listening.

Tie the knot anyway,  you can always untie it later if you want those little bratty things running all over the place !

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

So true, this has happened to me too many times. I am so glad I am with a natural woman now.

I started reading the posts and thought the guys gave some very
nice mature advice. Then I was thinking what if she's a guy. As I read on I was glad to see
I wasn't the only one with a warped mind.

It sounds like this gal is still pretty young and good for her for having such
high morals.  After saying that I don't think there is anything wrong with a man
at your age wanting more. I'd say it is time to be just friends.

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[shadow=pink][glow=deepskyblue]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[updown]~*~ MONKEY BUSINESS KARAOKE~*~ [/shadow][/updown][/glow]

Once upon a time I had a sociology teacher who spoke of a generation to come that would reject the failures of previous generations and their social morays. This was not based upon speculation but simply an observation of historical events. Who knows? Could it be that a girl born around 1984 is the one to lead an entire revolution? Or perhaps this is the one who actually listened to her parents when they instructed her on the consequences of pre-marital sex. Sounds far fetched but it is possible.

Now just maybe your new significant other has observed that the lifestyle of young adults living together for a period of time and or the “trial marriage” approach to a relationship is a statistical failure. There are non-religious based standards of moral behavior that certainly favor abstinence. Considering our countries divorce rate, the ever increasing STD-STI rate, and other factors I do not think it is so strange that a female would set this standard for her life.

I have to tell you that if I were in your shoes I would be so eager and curious to know as much as I could about her that I would probably be over the top with my emotions.

This is a little more extreme than abstinence. Is he SEXUALLY attracted to her ?  If-so, it could be near torture.




Chris,  Are you sexually attracted to her ?  Honestly.  If-so, you two are at different places.  Just don't lie to yourself about your wants and needs

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

I'm with you on the views of premarital sex. I don't think it's good to be married to someone you don't even know if you are compatible with, it's not healthy to get to know someone AFTER you are married . My thoughts are tell her straight out how you feel now. If you prolong it, it's gonna cause more resentment than it will be worth. A lot of people who keep their virginity til marriage don't even know why they do it... sometimes it's just a statement they are making. I don't get it either myself. If you need sex, the person you are with has to need it too. Otherwise you are going to end up getting resentful and so is she. Sit down and talk to her about it, and if she isn't willing to at least consider the idea of sex, then she is probably not going to be willing to comprimise in other areas either. Also... you are probably right about the too young thing as well. I find there is a dividing line around 25 where the age gap suddenly seems to get smaller... I have dated a guy as young as 24 when I was 30.  It usually doesn't work out because 20 and 30 are 2 different stages of life, so unless one of you is really mature (or immature as the case may be) it's too big a gap. Dunno if my opinion helps, but there it is

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Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)