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heres one for starters



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,

"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get
into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

Christmas in general is a joke anymore.  Too commercialized & it seems no one knows what Christmas is all about anymore!

If an attorney wrote Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

_________________
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here is one I got in a FWD: from a friend....

Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME....

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain
their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a$$
man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.

Kelly

That was you in the red velvet suit!

_________________
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Pppsssstttt!!  Hey lady!  Wanna hear some jingle bells.



Kelly

 LMAO  LMAO  LMAO

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[shadow=pink][glow=deepskyblue]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[updown]~*~ MONKEY BUSINESS KARAOKE~*~ [/shadow][/updown][/glow]

Rather go find Carol.......she has no underware on

Other than this:

Two Reindeer walk into a bar.........Ouch!!!


That is all I have....

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

I get the point......

It was 3 a in the morning and cold. A redneck was standing in a foot of snow in his front yard. All he had on was shorts and cowboy boots..He had a bud lite in one hand and a shot gun in the other.  He was sceamin  I dont care who you are get those F&&& deer off my roof!!!!

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I am so redneck that actually happend at my doublewide.

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Cert Nee...nyuk, nyuk, nyuk

>Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy!
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>For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa - perverts  LMAO
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>adult pic coming up
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_________________
[shadow=pink][glow=deepskyblue]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[updown]~*~ MONKEY BUSINESS KARAOKE~*~ [/shadow][/updown][/glow]

Looks like he won't be comming any time soon.......

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This has got nothing to do with christmas but its funny...  Lil johnny came to school at 10 a and the teacher said you better have a good excuse..

Well it was like this a coyote has been gettin in the hen house. Last night about 11 we heard a comotion so pa went out with a loaded double barrel shotgun.. All he had on was shorts.. He opened the the door to the chicken house and a hound snuck up and put his cold nose on the back of his leg....We been pickin chickens since midnight......

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Do you want the one about Santa Claus only comes once a year, and that's down a chimney or is that too risque?

Yes, We are waiting..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

Why did Santa have to go to the doctor?  Because he had to have a flue shot!
(chimney flue that is, in case you thought I spelled it wrong).

There are three stages of santa claus..

You believe in santa claus..

You dont believe in santa claus..

You are santa claus....

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