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Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, what's the matter that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. "You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Future engineer:

The boy scout leader was hot and heavy in a lesson about survival in the woods. He says ok you are lost, your compass is broke and its cloudy How do you find out due south?

 A boy of 8 replied You find a satellite dish.. Its range is from  a true bearing of 140 degrees to 200 degrees  So you look at the wear on the traverse rod and split the difference that is due south.

 LMAO  LMAO

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Northeast United States runner up for the "Singing Hall of Shame".

It was the heighth of the blitzerrig in London during wwII An aircraft plant was desperately trying trying to produce aircraft. But during each air raid and blackout they had to suspend operations. The mgr asked a yank What can we do? Why dont you paint the windows black?    By jove I think youve got it.....

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."





They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too, decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I think the problem is that the cable is binding right here ... "

There are three fires at a college campus, at the chemistry building, engineering building and physics building. First, the chemist runs in to the chemistry building, takes a big bucket of water and puts out the fire. The engineer runs in to the building takes a big bucket of water, pours out so he has just enough water and throws it on the fire and puts it out. The physicist runs into the building, looks at the fire and says "the solution exists" and runs out.

You have to be true geek to understand this joke.  LOL

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Seize the day and SING!!!

And after I got back out I would say yup it's a fiire.

This is a true story and I will do my best to write it, so it can be understoood.

A major problem is a steel mill is having a ladle full of hot metal "cut through."    This means the steel melts a hole in the ladle and it spills on the ground.    The ladle is lined with fire brick.   The brick is what holds the molten steel, the metal ladle holds the brick.    You've seen pictures of big cranes holding the ladles and dumping the steel into furnaces or in to molds.

When a ladle cuts through, the molten steel can sometimes end up on the floor, wasting it and the time and materials used to make it.   Or someone could be burnt or killed.    

Then the ladle needs to be dug out, a patch welded in, (that's what I use to do) and relined with new fire brick.    The hole thing (that's a pun) could cost thousands of dollars.

Now the steel finds a crack between the bricks and melts a hole in the ladle and then runs out.    Molten steel is 2500 -3000 degrees.     NOBODY can ever predict when this could happen.  

The ladles are inspected between every heat for signs of worn brick or cracks in the lining.   If they find thin bricks, they take the ladle out of service to be dug out and relined.   They basically know how many heats they can get on a ladle, but sometimes if the batch isn't mixed properly or the metal is too hot, the bricks can wear out faster.    I have seen newly relined ladles cut through on the first heat.     25-30 is normal wear.     One rare time, I saw a ladle cut out near the top, the crane picked it up to dump the remainder of the steel into another ladle, to save what he could.   The second ladle cut out.    Impossible to know when it could happen.     You just have to stay out of the way.

They wanted to find a way to prevent this cut through problem.  So they put a fresh young engineer on it.     Every day he would watch the operation and take notes and pictures.   This went on several weeks.

Finally he came up with his solution, to this one hunderd year old problem.

His answer was,  :drums:     "Why don't you take the ladle out of service, the heat before it cuts through?"      

God doesn't know when that ladle's going to cut through.   So how could the ladlemen know the heat before?    If they knew that, they would do it every time.    So if they were psychic the problem would be fixed.    

Could we try that one again?
sorry I just don't get it

I'm the world's best KJ, not the world's best writer.    LMAO

The young engineer was saying why dont everybody just pull of to the side of the road just before they have their accident...

Still doesn't explain the joke!  
BTW Thanks for stopping by to say Hi on my new member thread.

Great comparison.   karyoker


Welcome tink.

This one happend to me so it is a true story..I am not the world's best KJ or writer...So bear with me...

I was at a sales meeting in florida with my team of sales executives..Which by the way are all engineers, all 15 of them.  and as if that wasn't enough they were all men....So I was all alone here...

So the task was to build a boat out of cardboard and make it sea worthy so that we could win a relay race in the hotel swimming pool.  We had 4 hours....These guys spent the 1st hour arguing.....The next 2 hours they spent engineering it.  The next 30 minutes was spent yelling at me because I didn't buy the materials we needed because they couldn't aggree on the way it was to engineered.  The last 30 minutes was spent building this sad looking boat...It looked worse than any of the other boats there..

So we throw our boat in the pool and then they argue over who will be in the race.  A different person had to be on the boat for each leg....Because you know the lightest people must go, so that the boat will be sure to carry them....I was one of the oneds they picked.....And that is a different story all together.

After all of this and me being fit to be tied, a little embarrassed of our boat...Our team ending up winning 2nd place out of over 10 teams....

It was just crazy...darn engineers....

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

Stupid idiots!...This engineer would have only wasted ten minutes getting you into a boat....That way I could enjoy seeing you all wet for the remaining 3 hours and 50 minutes!

Spoken like a true man Keith!!!!   Missed you

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

Somehow I missed this excellent reply to my question. Sorry 'bout that

Im still designing the boat About 4 more beers and we'll have it but we dont have swimming pool so we have to use the # 5 irrigation ditch...

There was beer involved in our boat....We were beaten by a group of Admin assistants.....Arrg...There were also bathing suits involved...I should have jumped in with the girls when I had the chance......

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Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!