Does that work on men too? I knew I should have bought a bigger freezer.
| Karaoke Scene's Karaoke Forums https://mail.karaokescene.net/forums/ |
|
| Holiday Jokes :) https://mail.karaokescene.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=11450 |
Page 1 of 2 |
| Author: | Karaoke Kelley [ Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:55 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Holiday Jokes :) |
Heres one to start : Happy Thanksgiving everyone !! The Parrot!!! A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said to John, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING! |
|
| Author: | Catseyeview [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:55 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Good stuff Kelley LMAO :worship: LMAO |
|
| Author: | karyoker [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:03 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
3 oclock in the morning Old man with nothing on but his shorts in 2 feet of snow on his front lawn. He is yelling " I dont care who you are.. Get them &&^%$$ deer off my roof". |
|
| Author: | Babs [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:34 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
| Does that work on men too? I knew I should have bought a bigger freezer.
|
|
| Author: | knightshow [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:44 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
This is an oldie but still hysterical! ----------------- Last week for Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick: She asked my sister to pick up something from the store. When my sister left my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!!" Upon pondering this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep -- Patricia is blonde! |
|
| Author: | knightshow [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Not really holiday related, but still funny! AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock! , wil l prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. |
|
| Author: | karyoker [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
| LOL Quote: 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
At my age you dont need the laxatives but you do need super poli-grip... |
|
| Author: | karyoker [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:54 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
| LOL Quote: 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
At my age you dont need the laxatives but you do need super poli-grip... |
|
| Author: | johnny reverb [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
A little ol' drunk guy comes outta a department store dragging three large store-wrapped gifts on Christmas Eve. A rather righteous, beyatch of a woman confronts him, and starts lecturing him. " Here it is, Christmas eve, and you're totally intoxicated, galavanting about, when you should be home with your family." Little drunk says, "Lighten up on me, lady, I'm not such a bad guy, you wanna know why I'm drunk?" See this present here, it's for my daughter. It's a barbie dream castle....cost me $200."..." See this present here, it's a lionel train set for my son....cost me 250 bucks" " Now this one's for my wife....it's a fur coat.....cost me 3000 dollars"...." Know what I'll be gettin' for Christmas, Lady???....two white shirts, and a piece of ^%$$#&y....and all three are gonna be two sizes too big..........." ......I'm sorry, I only know dirty jokes......it is a holiday joke though.... 
|
|
| Author: | johnny reverb [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Ok, then......what's a lesbian eat for breakfast??????........and the answer is.......continued........ |
|
| Author: | johnny reverb [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:19 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Well lets see........this morning I had coffee....two slices of toast........
|
|
| Author: | Babs [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 11:31 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Oh my goodness I think that my mother is a lesbian. Is that toast with butter or jam? |
|
| Author: | johnny reverb [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 6:54 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Neither........I like peanut butter........it spreads easy...... 
|
|
| Author: | Kellyoke [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:17 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Not a joke but a true story that happened during the holiday season years ago: I was in an out of town mall. I went into a book store. "Waldens" Of course the book shelves are somewhat closer than you would find in a library. I was standing in the narrow aisle looking at some books. To my immediate left was this guy. To his left was either his wife or girlfriend. She had her back to him. He decides to leave that aisle and goes past me over across the store. Apparently she doesn't know that he has now left her area. She slowly backs up to where I'm standing. So ,now she is very close to me with her back. She then to my surprise, leans back into me without knowing that I am not her husband. I am somewhat speechless at this moment and I was getting ready to say something when she turns her head sideways ; still not knowing that the man she is leaning against is not her husband and she whispers, "You still wanna "get some" when we get home?" At this point I'm cracking up inside and I say, "Could we at least go have some lunch and get to know one another first?" She turns startled and looks up at me and let's out a short muffled scream. She begins to die laughing and I follow suit; then her husband comes around the corner to see what's going on and she tells him and then we all had a good laugh. Best true funny Christmas shopping story I know of. Kelly
|
|
| Author: | Chuck2 [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:21 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
That's pricelss.
|
|
| Author: | MorganLeFey [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:11 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Catseyeview @ Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:55 am wrote: Good stuff Kelley LMAO :worship: LMAO
shouldnt that be good stuffing? |
|
| Author: | MorganLeFey [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:20 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Kellyoke @ Thu Nov 22, 2007 4:17 am wrote: Not a joke but a true story that happened during the holiday season years ago:
I was in an out of town mall. I went into a book store. "Waldens" Of course the book shelves are somewhat closer than you would find in a library. I was standing in the narrow aisle looking at some books. To my immediate left was this guy. To his left was either his wife or girlfriend. She had her back to him. He decides to leave that aisle and goes past me over across the store. Apparently she doesn't know that he has now left her area. She slowly backs up to where I'm standing. So ,now she is very close to me with her back. She then to my surprise, leans back into me without knowing that I am not her husband. I am somewhat speechless at this moment and I was getting ready to say something when she turns her head sideways ; still not knowing that the man she is leaning against is not her husband and she whispers, "You still wanna "get some" when we get home?" At this point I'm cracking up inside and I say, "Could we at least go have some lunch and get to know one another first?" She turns startled and looks up at me and let's out a short muffled scream. She begins to die laughing and I follow suit; then her husband comes around the corner to see what's going on and she tells him and then we all had a good laugh. Best true funny Christmas shopping story I know of. Kelly excellent LMAO I was working in a pharmacy one year and demonstrating a brush on peel off mask...it was bright blue and I would apply it after lunch and stand at the door...invariably it would be a conversation starter and I sold quite a lot. This young woman was asking me all kinds of questions about it...she was quite excited about buying it and I was just about to close the sale when she said "this is going to be ideal for my husband's oily foreskin" well of course I choked then burst out laughing and cracked the mask she (poor woman) realised what she had said when she had meant forhead and ran away as fast as she could looking soooo embarrassed. |
|
| Author: | Babs [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
True stories are always funnier to me. Those were great. |
|
| Author: | Steven Kaplan [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
Quote: She turns startled and looks up at me and let's out a short muffled scream. She begins to die laughing and I follow suit; then her husband comes around the corner to see what's going on and she tells him and then we all had a good laugh. See, I'd have handled this quite differently ! I'd have said, "Let's try one of my fantasies right here ! Pretend I am somebody you don't know who's really hot, and drop'em without turning around right now !" now some might go this route: Quote: then her husband comes around the corner to see what's going on and she tells him and then we all had a threesome.
Personally, I'd opt for my preference !! Of course I'd be in that library everyday sporting a woody after that episode ! but hey, it's just the type of guy I am ! |
|
| Author: | johnny reverb [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Holiday Jokes :) |
I asked my wife if she'd be interested in a threesome, and she said it would depend on what the other two guys looked like...... 
|
|
| Page 1 of 2 | All times are UTC - 8 hours |
| Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group https://www.phpbb.com/ |
|