Karaoke Forums

My favortite joke in Hustler magazine was this cartoon pic of the whole stocking family hung by the cimmney with their dog "Care"

Barbie's Christmas List

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245


Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing  suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be  around to smell it).  So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


Santa:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized  sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring  anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6.  A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking  my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new b*tch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

_________________
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)

Barbi rocks, Lisa........the captain says she was his first....  :wave:  :hug:  :hug: .........jj

 LMAO  LMAO

and a great card

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What
would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A $*#%@#$
swingset." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that
if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again.
What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sandbox for the side yard." Santa
says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What
else would you like for Christmas?"


The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a
$*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy
off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells
them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop
it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put
a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the
swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants
the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he
wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his
presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door,
looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door,
looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door,
looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.


His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa
brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him."

Kelly you would have so much MORE credibility if you hand wasnt always on the one eyed trouser snake  :whistle:

_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

Getting a refund

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time

A woman went to a service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

_________________
Kelley
Star Sounds Karaoke & Mobile Recording Studio


[shadow=black][scroll]You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself....KD Lang[/scroll][/shadow]

OMG!!! Kelley that is hysteriacal!!!!

_________________
Will sing or fish for food!!I'm not quite right!!

I think Santa Claus is a woman...
 
 I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about
 it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I
 have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
 
 For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
 until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian
 Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other
 errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
 
 Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
 wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would
 send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but men tell me it's an enormous
 relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count
 alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in
 the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia
 Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
 
 Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would
 be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the
 rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season
 had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
 
 Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems
 because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
 refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would
 be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop
 to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon
 monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that
 is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
 
 Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
 - Men can't pack a bag.
 - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
 - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all
   those elves.
 - Men don't answer their mail.
 - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything
   remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly".
 - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
 - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick
   up women.
 - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
 
 I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
 - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
 - Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
 - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
 
 Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But
 not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace
 on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song",
 it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd
 quit dressing like a guy!

_________________
[glow=violet] **Sing like nobody's listening...live like there's no tomorrow**[/glow]

jj... the captain told me *I* was his first... now I'm upset.. how DARE HE??  :madgo: [schild=9 fontcolor=DC143C shadowcolor=C0C0C0 shieldshadow=1]Cheating B@#$ard!! [/schild]

_________________
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)

I just got this one in email.

_________________
LIKE Lonman on Facebook - Lonman Productions Karaoke & my main site via my profile!

good one Lonnie ...I saw that at Ampland    funny

I found the other half!  LOL

Ken's Christmas List

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245


Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.  I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the b**** has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.  I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career.  Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?  In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the b**** to
the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from h*** will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

_________________
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)

just for babs and all us other cat lovers ...  LMAO

I thought this was pretty funny!!

_________________
[shadow=tomato]If you want your significant other to pay attention to EVERY word you say::
  TALK IN YOUR SLEEP   [/shadow]  

That was funny

I love the cartoon jokes - snow cone stand  LMAO

I wonder if her husband has a push-up or a soft serve cone?

_________________
[shadow=pink][glow=deepskyblue]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[updown]~*~ MONKEY BUSINESS KARAOKE~*~ [/shadow][/updown][/glow]

_________________
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)

That's great!  :laughatthat: I think that's my cat on the left.  :shock:

Cat's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur!