Dumbdrums Thanksgiving Tale
by me..........dumbdrums.......
they say too much triptophan is not a good thing..i say they are wrong...
the first time i saw aunt marmalot shaving her legs in the yam patch, i knew that the turkeys wrath was a twisted one...where is the sense in these holidays..to what do we give thanks when uncle barnard is in the corner doin eggnog bongs with that guy noone really knows...all the children have lost their friggin minds...like savages on a koolaid bender, they run through the house with no purpose or future...little beu-dell has caught his head in the turkeys cavity again tryin to play "bobbin for wishbones"...alas i fear he will be this countries top SAT score,
and all will bow to his evil intentions....the card table has been starin at me since childhood...why does it mock me so....it tethered me to its wobbly legs for most
of my childhood...the chairs seem smaller now but i do believe they have grown a little.
as a child , the paper tablecloth on the card table was a battle map of which we
would plan our attack to overthrow the grownups at their battleship table bound in the middle by a warped leaf section.i carefully sketched out an epic stick figured plan, colorcoded with the best of the crayola 64 box (with sharpener) all top secret info was to be written with the dreaded white crayon so the enemy could not decifer its secrets ..i would cause a distraction by smearing cranberries on my legs and scream that grampas old blue tick hound dog "frostbite" bit me for no other reason than its failing sight thinkin my leg was a coon...as the grownups scrambled, some to help;some to marvel, my little cousin "booger" would slip under our war table and submarine his way to the open waters where their table floated in a sea of beer farts..
our D-Day was underway...we had a man in position..but if he was found would he crack? would he name names...the "booger" could be our worst liability...but he was there and our plan was beyond a retreat...my cousin Clara-Beet Anderson was running towards me with
iodine and a roll of gauze that could outfit a mummy wedding...damn lifeguards, they think they are surgeons with bouys...on the other hand years later she would look stunning in a onepiece, so it wasnt a total loss...years later i would see her on baywatch running in super slow motion as my college buddies and i pounded down jaegermeister....
as the adults exposed the fake, their faces became flush with terror and fear...they knew what was goin on, booger had taken the beach !...with our plan exposed the grownups countered by racing back to their vessal...they all sat down not realizing that booger was
at their feet one step away from a victory for card table kids everywhere...minerva the town gossip turned her head towards us...her intuition as steel trapped as always...she glared at
us with her nose in the air as if she smelled the reak of fear coming off our souls....
she was on to us.. with a silent head count she cried "wheres "booger"?"...
we prayed booger could hold it together, after all, he was tough...booger was the first kid to discover the dreaded summer "bellyflop" and never shed a tear...not even in the emergency room...yes we had the right man in place for sure !...what seemed like a typical butt scratch, uncle doodah started to reach his anchor tattooed hairy arm under the table..
he smiled as he pulled "booger" out from underneath by his brady bunch tshirt....a collective gasp was heard at our table...our best man was caught...the jig was up...our war was lost....we sat silent wanting to cry at what boogers punishment would be...dishes?..raking leaves?..de-leghair-ing the yams......just then all the grownups burst into laughter.....they smiled at "booger" and sat him at the head of the big table....we all stared at "booger" in disbelief at what just happened...he stuck his tongue out at us and said..."pass the hairy yams please"......to this day we call 35 year old carl. "benedict booger"......so as i reflect on all the weird things from thanksgiving past,like the pillsbury doughboy's bloodcurdling screams as mom twisted him into a cresent roll, the detroit lions playing a game they will never win, the blood spot on the turkey where dad realized that his glasses werent just for reading, the ONLY time you could see the Wizard of Oz, the grownups talkin about this Nixon guy, the kids arguing if greg and marsha brady could legitamately "get it on", the fat uncle in the lazyboy with the pants undone 3 buttons down, the teenagers arguing about who was greater Zepplin or the Stones, the grownups arguing about who was worst Zepplin or the Stones, the long haired red eyed cousin in the corner saying Pink Floyd was better than both of them as he pounded down his 3rd helping of potatoes,friends of my moms who would grab my cheeks and kiss me (if i knew then what i know now i
woulda slipped half of em the tongue !),and most of all just everyone bein together, happy and getting along...that was the weirdest thing of all....but that was the greatest weirdness there ever was.....
a weirdness that even all the triptophan in the world couldnt beat.....happy thanksgiving to my second family at singers showcase..i dig all of you dearly...drive safe wherever you go, and now that you are done reading this if you rub your eyes with your hands the spots will go away...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
mikee.......
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could you not record yourself saying that and post it 
Happy Thanksgiving!!! 
and we had a HUGE table.... everybody was happy!!!
! We had a huge family so there's no way we'd all fit at the table, so yep.... Crystal (the baby) had to sit at the table with the grandkids (aka: My neices and nephews.... SEVEN of 'em) and babysit. Keep the boys from food-fighting and make sure the girls ate all the "ewww!" stuff. NOW I can have the dinners so I make damn sure I'm at the grown-up table! I should make ma brothers n sisters sit at the kiddy table and watch their own damn kids! 